Learning what love is....

What If?

What if I couldn't fail? What if I said thank you more often? What if I had had a morning routine? What if I wrote everyday? What if I always made a meal plan? What if I thanked my achy body parts? What if I gave my all each and everyday? What if I prayed everyday? What if I did yoga everyday? What if I said thank you to the sky? What if I walked more? What if I cried more? What if I was meant to do more?What if God wants me to do more? What if I learned to balance? What if I took pottery classes? What if I made love more often? What if I always did what gave me joy? What if children are always right? What if I blessed every person I saw? What if I accepted my story? What if I let go of what scares me? What if I sewed more? What if I danced more? What if I gave myself a chance? What if I believed in myself? What if people in Abbotsford do want to dance? What if my passions ignite others? What if I grow more?  What if I have more light to shine? What if Jesus is the way? What if I trusted Jule's 100%? What if I wasn't afraid? What if I am a midwife? What if I got out of control? What if I did everything I didn't want to? What if I used the internet less? What if I found my internal inspiration? What if I have a daughter? What if my life was slow and full and blissful? What if I believed in every thought I had? What if I had 4 kids? What if I we're meant to travel the world? What if I could be happy in every moment? What if I knew God in my deepest places? What if I had more faith? What if I knew all my blessings? What if I was healed? What if I am healed? What if I believed all the love I was given? What if I lived in a poor country? What if I actually listened to Phoenix? What if I gave more love? What if I acted lie it was sunny everyday? What if I helped more people? What if I was confident in myself? What if I sold my art work? What if I taught prenatal classes? What if I gave each day my all? What if I had detailed goals? What if I spent more time listening to creator? What if I kissed the earth each day? What if I lived like I can't imagine? What if my time were more limited? What if I supported my husband more? What if I took more time to be creative? What if I am more then a house wife? What if I went to midwifery school in the Philippines?  What if I went to school to become a midwife? What if I lived in Mexico? What if we all went to Peru? What if we paid off our debts in a year? What if I celebrated life everyday? What if I asked for more help? What if I was led by inspiration? What if the Holy Mother wants to speak to me? What if I believed I was the only one put here to carry out these passions? What if resting was more a part of our life? What if we found a church we adored? What if money were never an issue again? What if school were free, what would we do?  What if we served each other more? What if I went to bed when I got tired? What if I leapt out of bed in the morning? What if each day I gave thanks? What if I meant every word I spoke? What if I were more silent? What if what scared me made me stronger? What if I never got triggered again? What if I knew I was loved? What if I loved my stories of difficulties? What if I knew each lesson my pain was meant to teach me? What if I were more humble? What if I let go of my fear? What if I held only love in my heart? What if my wounds were all healed? What if nothing could hurt me? What if I didn't react any more? What if I didn't listen to my ego? What if I got down and prayed when I got angry? What if I were able to ask to be heard? What if I smiled more at strangers? What if creator has more plans for me? What if I could accept each obstacle as a lesson and gift? What if in a challenging moment I took a breath and asked for help and peace? What if I took each step of my day with thanks and prayer? What if I could believe in my heart? What if my belief is what changes me? What if love is all we need? What if I helped bring peace to earth? What if peace starts here? What if peace starts with me? What if peace starts with my relations? What if love were a salve? What if I prayed through my fears? What if I said thank you to that which scared me? What if I focused on my blessings? What if I'm not seperate from Creator?
Love Darla

~Journal Entry Prayer Feb 10, 2013

Inspired by the What If conference poster ^

This has been the beginning of a fast paced healing, diving to new depths, abandoning fears and letting love heal me. We think this is my healing baby that I'm carrying right now. May she blossom as much as she has inspired me to grow through my wounds.
To the future, unknown.....<3

Learning....

Sometimes it's the pain we're thankful for

Do you ever have partial thoughts? Ones that don't fully form, possibly because as they start to unfold something inside you recognizes pain in that thought and skirts it into the background.
Sometimes I think my mind has been shattered, that the trauma was too much and that I'm ruined, that he won. That this will just keep going forever.

It's tiring. Second guessing your self worth, wondering why you weren't good enough that first time around? All the while knowing it wasn't you.

Healing really is, as they say. One step forward two steps back. Just when I thought I was doing so well, I want to hold space for healing in my heart and home. That I could offer that to my son.


Trauma is like a mine field.

and I'm the one holding the salve and bandage. 

she let her light shine...

and it bounced across the water.

"I have a painting that Kyle did for me of a fat angel and over the years she, in my mind has become me and her joy is infinite and shining, she's my hero." - July 21, 2007

A friend painted this for me many years ago. I remember when I first received it; it was not what I had been expecting, it was not love at first sight. As someone who doesn't keep many things, who passes items on easily and thrifts constantly, this painting has remained, it has lived in buses and vans, in falling apart houses, by the ocean and in the forests, it has moved with me more times then I like to count. But it has stayed.

I have come to love and cherish this piece of art. This painting has become a part of me, it has been my rock, it has kept me alive, it has given me hope, it has spoken softly to me in my darkest days. This angel has really gone to hell with me, and been a huge part of bringing me back to life. And these days; I am doing better then I have in years, I look at her and realize how far I've come. How I've learned to flow, to swim up stream, how I lived through the grand ugly finale of my previous marriage. How I've grown and grown and grown and found Spirit and surrendered and received. This angel is me, the fish is me, the ugly explosion in the corner is me, the water is me, the light is me.

In honor of me surviving. In honor of five years having past. In honor of my trauma, in honor of my process, in honor of entering counseling. In honor of healing. In honor of so many beautiful things in my life. Let it be forever known.....
~Aho~

Shattered Nutritional Views

The earth and her seasons are changing. I can accept that. Tomorrow marks the beginning of July, we've past the high point of summer solstice, yet I don't think we've had four days in a row of sunshine yet. And I'm okay with that generally. Why I was remarking just today how it seems the summers of my child hood are truly gone forever and how we now have two seasons, pouring rain EVERYDAY and lighter rain most days.

But really the reason for my post today is that I'm in a funk. Pathology class test came in and I thankfully didn't fulfill the nightmare 'prophecy' I had this week of failing miserably. In fact I did just fine. Whhhhewwww!  The reason for my funk is called Eco Nutrition, and it is making me grumpy. There are so many things I could say about it I don't even know where to start! Let's see, so almost 2 years ago I started my nutritional program, and I have learned so much, I can guide one to make many more healthier choice when presenting me with different illnesses, symptoms and diseases. I feel quiet confident in my ability in fact make a difference in peoples lives if they are ready to make the changes too! Yet this course, Eco Nutrition, is completely shattering my business plan vision of how I plan to consult. Ya see Eco Nutrition is all about where the food comes from. Most people will say from the grocery store, ad most people also consider cheerios to be harmless. Yet this class is breaking all this apart for me, how can I advise others on nutrition when I haven't even fully implemented it in my own home? How do I want to advice people? People live in this high paced world, and their ideas and beliefs around food can be very set. I think I will need to take some time to decide how I want to advice people, where do I feel comfortable. Always remembering that any change is good, that it is about baby steps. Yet, when the knowledge is there and I can't erase it from my mind, I don't know which way to turn.

I need to start with these: Recognize, Acknowledge, Respect.

I honestly feel like I can't trust any food right now.
I suddenly understand what the WHOLE FOODS movement is about. (no I do no mean the grocery chain)
I know I need to have compassion for myself to let me take things one step at a time.

I recognize that my nutritional world is being shattered right now by this course
I also acknowledge my deep sadness over the state of our global food supply
I am angry that GMO's exist!

I truly respect that  this class will take some integration time.

Needed to vent, more later perhaps.

These days I've been finding it challenging to keep up, to 'stay on top of things.' My personal time-space continuum seems to be a little off kilter. Now usually I would welcome this reprieve from the business of everyday life. But right now, I feel like I'm two months behind. I spent the day calling 4 different government offices regarding an issue that arrived in the mail over a month ago. But it wasn't until today that I realised that this should not be delayed any longer. I find myself longing for less business and rush rush to my life. When I stop and think about it though I realize it's in my head, that I don't actually need to rush anywhere as I don't make a lot of trips out of the village these days. But that what is pulling at my mind is school, my dead line is counting done in single digit weeks now and it is frightening the pants off me as I have SO MUCH TO DO.

Now at the heart of it, I know I will buckle down and finish up all my case studies in time, why this weekend alone I will finish two at the very least but right now, my goodness. There is so much happening in my heart and head as always that I can't concentrate. I "ought" to be studying for a pathology final I have tomorrow morning but I can't stop thinking about all the things I want to read and write once school is complete in a matter of weeks and then there's the prospect of moving and holding that high vision for our family in a new town, while my husband attends school. And everything in between! I am longing I think for a slower pace within my mind, for the freedom to just sit and stare out the window with out the guilt or nagging of school work. I'm even longing to slowly do house work. Ya I've been whipping through it in a frenzy trying to make more time to study and it's all just too much. I will be so happy to be done school. 6 more weeks of classes, and then 4 weeks to the FINAL EXAM.

Then the freedom to consider all the other wonderful things in my life.

such as this: http://www.mamamuse.com/services/mamamuse-un-midwifery-mentorship/

Some days just suck. Some days, a lot of days in the scheme of all of your life are going to suck. and you know which ones suck a bit worse then others. The Fucking-Negative-Again-Pregnancy-Test Day.

Yes, we're trying to make a baby, we really want a baby to be in my belly, I want to house another life, I want that life to grow and be born and have this incredible father that lives with me and loves me and the baby all through the whole pregnancy and life. So be it it creator!

But is it time? Apparently not and I am upset about it. I am upset that it's taking months, that peeing on a little white and purple stick can be so damn crushing!

So it's my husbands birthday and my period hadn't arrived and I thought, maybe, just maybe this was it. A special gift for him on his birthday. I bought a double test box this time, 2 chances for the price of one.

and my heart leapt when I thought the line was showing up in the right box and I turned around I couldn't even look at it it's so agonizing. But then the other box was empty and I grabbed the box and stared at the little pictures and realized, yet again that only the control box had a line in it and my motivation and excitement was swept down the toilet, I flushed washed my hands and grumpily threw the little stick in the garbage.

One day I hope.

One day.