I am skinny. I am one of those skinny girls. The ones that bigger girls probably hate. But the weird thing is I have spent many days of my life worrying about my weight, only in the opposite way of most of society. You see 8 years ago I was sick, horrible migraines that wouldn't let me keep food down. It was stressful and I lost a lot of weight. With the help of a naturopath I found a way to rid myself of the headaches but the weight never came back, I was 5'4 and 86lbs then 83lbs. Looking back I now realize I was also in a fairly stressful relationship, I didn't know then what I do now about stress and weight and cortisol and how all that works and can keep weight off your bones. I worried about it but no matter what I ate I never gained it back. Not until I was pregnant, in the very first two weeks of pregnancy I gained 12lbs. That put me at 95lbs, and that steadily climbed. By month nine I was peaking at 140lbs! I was happy to be bigger but really I finally just looked healthy, I only gained it in my breasts and belly. Post baby, post breastfeeding I naturally just hovered around 120-126lbs. But I worried, I was so happy at this wait, I worried I would start loosing it and I did. I got stressed out and away it went I was scared I would be back at 83lbs in no time. I counted calories and tried eating more, I ate so much cheese and yet It didn't work.
Finally while at nutritional school I realized that my body would balance out weight wise when I balanced myself out; body, mind and soul. I enrolled in the Center for Sacred Studies, to help me find peace in myself when it wasn't there externally and I created a spiritual practice for myself. I truly learned how to cook and nourish my body. I began eating organic meat, first fish then chicken and now even bison. I play, I work on our little homestead, I do yoga regularly, I ride my bicycle, I still wish to create more time for exercise activities but I know I am calmer, more peaceful and balanced.
I love my body, I have always loved my body, even when I was uber skinny, I just knew it wasn't that healthy for me. I weight 106lbs now, I eat what I want, I don't worry-every now and then I ask my husband if he loves my saggy breasts and my little belly poking out. (I used to wish I could do more sit ups and have it disappear but now I know it's here to stay and I know it's a part of the gift and blessing of having birthed my beautiful son.) I ask my husband if he will still love my body when I have had more babies. I really do ask him this. Me...I ask him this. This is how deeply society and advertising and the fashion industry has weaseled it's way into my psyche. I don't even own a television, and the only magazines I read are about organic gardening. So really it's hard for me to believe that I am concerned about this, but sometimes I am.
I don't like that feeling, and I don't like thinking that other women spend the majority of their life feeling like failures because of the way fat sits on their bodies. I think women are beautiful. All forms, all figures.
It is so sad. How do I take part in turning this around? How do I respond in my mind to a daughter I don't have yet that comments on my figure or heaven forbid her own. How will I respond, what will I tell her. What will we do to combat the way women are portrayed. We are all real women, these are our real bodies, bearing scars of lifes successes and failures. This really is my heart worried about the daughters of the future.
How wide and deep will I embrace the questions, my changing body, the world around us? I know I will do it all with love and I hope it is enough.
