she let her light shine...

and it bounced across the water.

"I have a painting that Kyle did for me of a fat angel and over the years she, in my mind has become me and her joy is infinite and shining, she's my hero." - July 21, 2007

A friend painted this for me many years ago. I remember when I first received it; it was not what I had been expecting, it was not love at first sight. As someone who doesn't keep many things, who passes items on easily and thrifts constantly, this painting has remained, it has lived in buses and vans, in falling apart houses, by the ocean and in the forests, it has moved with me more times then I like to count. But it has stayed.

I have come to love and cherish this piece of art. This painting has become a part of me, it has been my rock, it has kept me alive, it has given me hope, it has spoken softly to me in my darkest days. This angel has really gone to hell with me, and been a huge part of bringing me back to life. And these days; I am doing better then I have in years, I look at her and realize how far I've come. How I've learned to flow, to swim up stream, how I lived through the grand ugly finale of my previous marriage. How I've grown and grown and grown and found Spirit and surrendered and received. This angel is me, the fish is me, the ugly explosion in the corner is me, the water is me, the light is me.

In honor of me surviving. In honor of five years having past. In honor of my trauma, in honor of my process, in honor of entering counseling. In honor of healing. In honor of so many beautiful things in my life. Let it be forever known.....
~Aho~

Shattered Nutritional Views

The earth and her seasons are changing. I can accept that. Tomorrow marks the beginning of July, we've past the high point of summer solstice, yet I don't think we've had four days in a row of sunshine yet. And I'm okay with that generally. Why I was remarking just today how it seems the summers of my child hood are truly gone forever and how we now have two seasons, pouring rain EVERYDAY and lighter rain most days.

But really the reason for my post today is that I'm in a funk. Pathology class test came in and I thankfully didn't fulfill the nightmare 'prophecy' I had this week of failing miserably. In fact I did just fine. Whhhhewwww!  The reason for my funk is called Eco Nutrition, and it is making me grumpy. There are so many things I could say about it I don't even know where to start! Let's see, so almost 2 years ago I started my nutritional program, and I have learned so much, I can guide one to make many more healthier choice when presenting me with different illnesses, symptoms and diseases. I feel quiet confident in my ability in fact make a difference in peoples lives if they are ready to make the changes too! Yet this course, Eco Nutrition, is completely shattering my business plan vision of how I plan to consult. Ya see Eco Nutrition is all about where the food comes from. Most people will say from the grocery store, ad most people also consider cheerios to be harmless. Yet this class is breaking all this apart for me, how can I advise others on nutrition when I haven't even fully implemented it in my own home? How do I want to advice people? People live in this high paced world, and their ideas and beliefs around food can be very set. I think I will need to take some time to decide how I want to advice people, where do I feel comfortable. Always remembering that any change is good, that it is about baby steps. Yet, when the knowledge is there and I can't erase it from my mind, I don't know which way to turn.

I need to start with these: Recognize, Acknowledge, Respect.

I honestly feel like I can't trust any food right now.
I suddenly understand what the WHOLE FOODS movement is about. (no I do no mean the grocery chain)
I know I need to have compassion for myself to let me take things one step at a time.

I recognize that my nutritional world is being shattered right now by this course
I also acknowledge my deep sadness over the state of our global food supply
I am angry that GMO's exist!

I truly respect that  this class will take some integration time.

Needed to vent, more later perhaps.

These days I've been finding it challenging to keep up, to 'stay on top of things.' My personal time-space continuum seems to be a little off kilter. Now usually I would welcome this reprieve from the business of everyday life. But right now, I feel like I'm two months behind. I spent the day calling 4 different government offices regarding an issue that arrived in the mail over a month ago. But it wasn't until today that I realised that this should not be delayed any longer. I find myself longing for less business and rush rush to my life. When I stop and think about it though I realize it's in my head, that I don't actually need to rush anywhere as I don't make a lot of trips out of the village these days. But that what is pulling at my mind is school, my dead line is counting done in single digit weeks now and it is frightening the pants off me as I have SO MUCH TO DO.

Now at the heart of it, I know I will buckle down and finish up all my case studies in time, why this weekend alone I will finish two at the very least but right now, my goodness. There is so much happening in my heart and head as always that I can't concentrate. I "ought" to be studying for a pathology final I have tomorrow morning but I can't stop thinking about all the things I want to read and write once school is complete in a matter of weeks and then there's the prospect of moving and holding that high vision for our family in a new town, while my husband attends school. And everything in between! I am longing I think for a slower pace within my mind, for the freedom to just sit and stare out the window with out the guilt or nagging of school work. I'm even longing to slowly do house work. Ya I've been whipping through it in a frenzy trying to make more time to study and it's all just too much. I will be so happy to be done school. 6 more weeks of classes, and then 4 weeks to the FINAL EXAM.

Then the freedom to consider all the other wonderful things in my life.

such as this: http://www.mamamuse.com/services/mamamuse-un-midwifery-mentorship/

Some days just suck. Some days, a lot of days in the scheme of all of your life are going to suck. and you know which ones suck a bit worse then others. The Fucking-Negative-Again-Pregnancy-Test Day.

Yes, we're trying to make a baby, we really want a baby to be in my belly, I want to house another life, I want that life to grow and be born and have this incredible father that lives with me and loves me and the baby all through the whole pregnancy and life. So be it it creator!

But is it time? Apparently not and I am upset about it. I am upset that it's taking months, that peeing on a little white and purple stick can be so damn crushing!

So it's my husbands birthday and my period hadn't arrived and I thought, maybe, just maybe this was it. A special gift for him on his birthday. I bought a double test box this time, 2 chances for the price of one.

and my heart leapt when I thought the line was showing up in the right box and I turned around I couldn't even look at it it's so agonizing. But then the other box was empty and I grabbed the box and stared at the little pictures and realized, yet again that only the control box had a line in it and my motivation and excitement was swept down the toilet, I flushed washed my hands and grumpily threw the little stick in the garbage.

One day I hope.

One day.

And I Pray

Some days the guilt of having been born in Canada weighs so heavily on my chest that I can barely get the next breath in to continue my prayers. Some days the realization of #FirstWorldProblems dawns on me and I am over come by deep unworthy sobs. These feelings wage war within me. The cost of living, the hard work my husband puts in; day after day, building houses to be sold for $400,000+, and my own dreams and pursuits, the desire to own a home with land one day. All fraught with the feelings of how much this money could do in another country. How many children I could feed for the cost of keeping a roof over my own childs head.

            My mind spinning with the global repercussions. What can I do to mend this world? What can I do with my passions and skills? More and more often I feel called to spend entire days in prayer. The age we live in where I can be within my own ‘world’, doing the errands for our household and then with the flick of a switch I can hear the desperate screams of the people across the oceans pleading for aid, hear the sounds of machine guns, and violent protests. This is our world. In the post news broadcast silence, I contemplate what life would be like here in Canada if one day our Prime Minister chose not to step down after loosing an election. What it would be like to live in the midst of an uprising, where holding a particular political allegiance would be an offense to be killed for. And suddenly I am thankful for the stress of paying rent, driving in rush hour traffic and going to court. That these are my problems, I am extraordinarily grateful. I marvel at the divine for placing me here and wonder why? What difference can I make by being here. What are my passions going to do to help humanity and mother earth?

GOD TELL ME PLEASE

            What have we created? Was there ever a time when humans lived with one another on the earth in peace?

            I breathe, put my head on the earth and whisper, “Oh mama, what do you want me to do?” These past two months the tears have fallen so easily, my heart wide and pierced with the pain the world over. Mama what can I do?

And in the silent mystery an answering voice so clear.

This. You must do this. Come sit on me and pray

            I shake from the depth of my core and receive that message. I can do that. I can pray.  I pray.

            For those who are suffering

            For those creating suffering

            For those bearing witness

                        I pray.

            There is no longer time for worry, no longer time for selfishness. The time of gratitude, blessings, prayer and thanks have come. For now this is the answer to my questions. For now I know to create peace in myself. Create peace in my family, cultivate peace in my community and allow this to ripple through the field and around the world.

With this feeling in my heart; I hold this prayer in the light, for I know that one day all men, women, and children will know peace within theirs.

                                                                        And I pray.

My body, myself. Our daughters- the future.

I am skinny. I am one of those skinny girls. The ones that bigger girls probably hate. But the weird thing is I have spent many days of my life worrying about my weight, only in the opposite way of most of society. You see 8 years ago I was sick, horrible migraines that wouldn't let me keep food down. It was stressful and I lost a lot of weight. With the help of a naturopath I found a way to rid myself of the headaches but the weight never came back, I was 5'4 and 86lbs then 83lbs. Looking back I now realize I was also in a fairly stressful relationship, I didn't know then what I do now about stress and weight and cortisol and how all that works and can keep weight off your bones. I worried about it but no matter what I ate I never gained it back. Not until I was pregnant, in the very first two weeks of pregnancy I gained 12lbs. That put me at 95lbs, and that steadily climbed. By month nine I was peaking at 140lbs! I was happy to be bigger but really I finally just looked healthy, I only gained it in my breasts and belly. Post baby, post breastfeeding I naturally just hovered around 120-126lbs. But I worried, I was so happy at this wait, I worried I would start loosing it and I did. I got stressed out and away it went I was scared I would be back at 83lbs in no time. I counted calories and tried eating more, I ate so much cheese and yet It didn't work.
Finally while at nutritional school I realized that my body would balance out weight wise when I balanced myself out; body, mind and soul. I enrolled in the Center for Sacred Studies, to help me find peace in myself when it wasn't there externally and I created a spiritual practice for myself. I truly learned how to cook and nourish my body. I began eating organic meat, first fish then chicken and now even bison. I play, I work on our little homestead, I do yoga regularly, I ride my bicycle, I still wish to create more time for exercise activities but I know I am calmer, more peaceful and balanced.
I love my body, I have always loved my body, even when I was uber skinny, I just knew it wasn't that healthy for me. I weight 106lbs now, I eat what I want, I don't worry-every now and then I ask my husband if he loves my saggy breasts and my little belly poking out. (I used to wish I could do more sit ups and have it disappear but now I know it's here to stay and I know it's a part of the gift and blessing of having birthed my beautiful son.) I ask my husband if he will still love my body when I have had more babies. I really do ask him this. Me...I ask him this. This is how deeply society and advertising and the fashion industry has weaseled it's way into my psyche. I don't even own a television, and the only magazines I read are about organic gardening. So really it's hard for me to believe that I am concerned about this, but sometimes I am.
I don't like that feeling, and I don't like thinking that other women spend the majority of their life feeling like failures because of the way fat sits on their bodies. I think women are beautiful. All forms, all figures.
It is so sad. How do I take part in turning this around? How do I respond in my mind to a daughter I don't have yet that comments on my figure or heaven forbid her own. How will I respond, what will I tell her. What will we do to combat the way women are portrayed. We are all real women, these are our real bodies, bearing scars of lifes successes and failures. This really is my heart worried about the daughters of the future.
How wide and deep will I embrace the questions, my changing body, the world around us? I know I will do it all with love and I hope it is enough.